i just really dont know what i can do for you.
all i can do is to hear you rant, but i think sometimes you get frustrated with my inability to understand.

i dont want to end up taking you for granted and treating you like the rest. can you understand my fickle-mindedness and my hesitance? im just really afraid and unwilling to take that extra step forward.

does anybody want to adopt me and give me my allowance for next month? cos i only went for a five-hour shopping trip and im alr 70$ poorer. and the worst thing is thats part of my allowance for next month.

oh. and adeline's damn classic today. we went into every shop and the censor sounded in almost every shop that we went to. guess why. lol. i can die laughing lor. and the best part is only this guy from watsons bothered to come and see why the censor sounded. the ppl in mango zara blah blah blah just treat it like nothing happened. and yeah, adeline doesnt allow me to say its HER fault. lol.

and weirdly it doesnt feel like promos are over you know. i still feel like i should be sitting down and mugging and just driving myself crazy with all the things that i dont know/half know/pretend to know. its like, i feel that after-olevels-emptiness that i was feeling last yr. the i-used-to-be-studying-at-this-time kind of feeling. now i just feel so...restless when im just slacking around and doing nothing.

and i cant wait for everybody's promos to be over. so many things to do and so little time. lol. okay i know im contradicting myself with the above paragraph but whatever. i just want to go out with so many many people and catch up with all of them. starting with my best friend.

so, anybody want to adopt me. im adorabe. :)

okay. i need to go change then wait for kaichun to come fetch me. lol. impromptu stayover at jaime's house. they better not start playing mahjong again lor. and i hope her house have milk.

i cant wait for the -sha sha shabooya rollcalls- to start again. i think im losing my bimbo-ness. how can how can.

i cant wait for jay's album to be out. :DDDDDDDDD

dinner at simpang to celebrate the end of promos. though i dont know what the hell im celebraring with the results that i'll be getting. but it's my first time there! :)



that signifies the end of all the freaking mugging and the worrying and the going to the libraries non stop.
but is it a good ending or the start of all the dreaded R papers?

went to watch boys over flowers with nette just now. freaking freaking cold. and the show is...not worth watching. and nette keep elbowing me. im so not going to share couple seat with her again. lol.

i dont know why i'm acting like that or even why im feeling this way. i know what you want. but i dont know what i want. how do i figure it out?

three down. five more to go. just two more days of these craziness and suffering and tantrum throwing and moodiness.

you do your best and god will do the rest.

pray pray pray for me that i wont fail anything. :)

introducing my (stooopid) study partner. :)

guess what we're trying to do. ^^

our art pieces! is mine nicer?



now you know how bored and crazy we are from studying huh. studying really suck.



one more week of this craziness and hopefully it'll all be over.
hopefully NO R-PAPER!

what do you get when you cross that-time-of-the-month with promos?
you get a crazy heaty hot-tempered monster -- me.

thanks, bums, for everything.
im really happy to hear what you told me. :)

this post is specially specially dedicated to feipeng.



thank you THANK YOU spongy for teaching me graphs. though i still get some stuff wrong, at least now i finally have a clue about what they're about. you're the best ever. :)

happy last paper tmr. ^^

okay shucks. i said i wasnt going to come online until the weekends but i just couldnt control. :(

been studying at amk library for the past 3 days with nette. its like, so much more productive than studying at home cos we go there when the library opens and stay there almost till when it closes. and its so much more heartening studying with someone else cos like, nette never fail to amaze me with the stupid things she can do to destress.

like how she just started asking me to play tic-tac-toe out of no where, and how she always try to kick me under the table. and how we can laugh becos we chose the table with the sun and at the andersonians spying on their classmates and another guy who became super loud after his 'girlf' got there. and how we can complain that the library is too cold in some places and too hot in others and how their chicken is not even nice. and how i was angry with bums ytd and todays its her turn to be upset. and how she bought her supposed high tech marker that can draw thick and thin lines.(tts the funniest thing ive heard today. LOL) and the list goes on.

hey girl, this is not to praise you but, im seriously glad to have you to study with me. :)

okay. back to promos. promos really really suck.

you know i always feel so unproductive studying anything else besides math becos after reading all the notes, i feel like i memorised nothing and theres nothing to prove that yeah, i actually spent my time wisely. and i've been trying to do my tutorials recently but some of them are just so hard. and i dont think i have time to get through everything.

you know how i have to get 55 for math promos to pull the whole grade (plus midyrs) up to a E, and well, thats just impossible. i did the vj 2006 promo paper just now (even though i havent revised everything yet -.-) and i only managed to get 40 by continuously flipping to the back to check out the answers. like, omg, i dont even understand the paper with provided solution.

and im neglecting all my friends. like, i think germaine is having a hard time now but i have totally zero idea whats going on. i am a bad friend i know. but i promise i'll look her up first thing after promos! and yeah, i havent been replying junhao much even though he's trying really hard to be encouraging. and that just makes me feel even more guilty.

and and AND.

i FORGOT chinhao and nicholas and shirlynn's birthday!

gasp. like, what kind of friend am i right.

i reminded myself that their birthday was coming just a few days ago and tah-dah, i forgot to wish them when the date was actually here. and i was damn damn horrified to see clar's message saying that yes, we all forgot shir's birthday. oh man.

we're going to have a real big post-promo celebration to make up for it alright. :)

and okay. i messaged nicholas the other day and he just told me 'fine', so like, i dont know if he's angry or not. but since he's always rpelying me one-liners i assume he's not la. ><

and you know i have been having weird food cravings ever since i started revising like, one moment i want to eat mee pok, and he next i want to eat tom yum, and then i feel like eating kfc. and im constantly feeling hungry. maybe that means im using my brain. ah ha.

oh! and i have like, a gazillion pimples on my face now. that shows im super stressed and deprived of sleep la.i want them to go away go away go away!

and yuen chi says he's going to go play candles and sparklers with me after promos! so nice of him right, cos on mid-autumn night i was like, complaining non stop about how he can go play and i cant. he's so nice right, cos he kept telling me we'll look really stupid playing that after mid-autumns but then in the end he just said "okay. if you insist. anything for you. :)" yay! candles and sparklers rock!

okay, i know im rambling on and on about nothing and everything but i havent blogged for so long that i totally dont feel like stopping.


oh. and can everybody please contribute 5$ to my birthday fund so tht i can buy my laptop.

i was having this weird conversation with gerald the other day about how i think i dont have love to return to people. and he told me this,
"love is like covalent bond sharing electrons. love must be shared but not given all at once. [but] you're a ionic lover".

"if you cant promise him anything, will it be easier to let go?"

okay. you know what, im having mood swings like crazy this few days. im like, wavering from good mood to bad to good again, and like, i try to control it but sometimes its just hard. its like this oppression at the bottom of my heart, making it hard to breathe until i start screaming at someone or something. i dont want to be like tt. its driving me crazy.

and the studying's been horrible. i try to sit down and read my notes everyday but its just so hard, cos i always dont understand what its going on and on about and i always feel like giving up. this is even worse than Os becos at least during the Os, at lest i knew what i ws doing. i knew how to go about answering the questions and those i dont know are like, minimum. but now, i cant even do the tutorial questions and junren is telling me tutorials are too simple to even come out for promos. grr.

and i have so many many things to buy after promos. i got to replace all my fbts cos the band's like, loose form all the machine washes and i want to buy new shoes and new bag, and i want to go k box. and jay's new album is coming out in oct.

JAY'S ALBUM IS COMING OUT. OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN.

but yeah, i really really need to start saving up alr so people, dont tempt me to go out anymore! and im not those that can dont eat just to save up so saving up's gonna be hard. hai. but yeah, the most important's the cd. :)

jun hao says he'll get it for me if i do well for my promos but i want to get the preorder once the preordering starts and he's like, stuck in army and i think he'll forget. >< and besides, its close to impossible to do well for promos. i'll be lucky if i dont fail. so i guess i'll still have to save up for the cd.

:(
why cant money drop from the sky?

and i miss trainings you know. its been so long since i last had a good stretch or practised hanging or practised locking or anything like tt. and im starting to feel distant from them. and gerald went to buy presents with serene (and jun ren i think) today. while i had lessons till almost five. -.- and it just reminded me so much of the time when i went to get junren&rachel's presents with him. and then it made me miss them all over again.

can i have a kiss;
if not, can i have a hug;
if not, can i hold your hand for a minute;
if not, can i have a smile.

and let that smile go on forever. :]

"do you think you're suited for love?"
i've been thinking about this since yesterday.

am i?

do i still have all those insecurities with me? do i still need the constant reassuring? am i still as demanding and unreasonable?

how do you figure out what you want.

i've had enough crying for the past three days.
im going to stop all the tears and be strong.
starting from now.

double fuck. damn it.
i lost my integration lecture and tutorial notes.
this is not a good sign.

im fucking emo now i tell you. fucking emo.

life just has to suck in the form of math econs and lit. i didnt mention geog cos i havent even made the slightest attempt at studying it. all i did for the past few days? a pathetic number of math questions in which i cant answer 99% of them, and a super failed attempt at reading govt failure.

i just want to rip the notes into a million pieces and burn them. i feel like throwing a bitch fit just looking at all the stupid words and formulas. i feel like shouting and screaming at just anybody now please.

whats wrong with me.

since when did all this shit become so difficult. or am i getting dumber. and im seriously feeling the stress now cos theres barely three weeks left till promos and i know nuts and i cant do nothing about it.

"go study harder la"

you think its tt effing easy? try seeing how demoralised you can feel after attempting 10 math questions and only managing to do 1. and not even being able to understand the other 9 even with solutions provided. try reading all those MSC econs shit when nothing gets in and you spend like half an hour reading the first introductory paragraph. or even just staring at the poems and having absolutely no clue what they're talking about or what they're trying to hint at.

its not like im not making an effort.

and my mommy&daddy called and i just cried like fucking shit talking to them. i miss them so damn damn much. and i dont want to disappoint them. and when they just keep telling me not to stress myself out it just breaks my heart.

and i want to talk to bums but i think his handphone bills is already blowing from all the overseas calls and messages.

and i want to call germaine but i think she's working now.

and the rain is driving me crazy.

this is a bad week.