imyourhappypill

2011-03-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

i went to read back my old blog.

there's this post of me talking to junkia, way back before we stepped into uni.

I said:

"&i really miss you.

I had a long talk with your friend last night,

when you were too busy to attend to me.

He wasn’t happy with how you’re treating me,

even your friend could tell that i deserved better.

Why can’t you?

He said,” He seems to think you won’t leave him”

Is that how you really think?

Because I’m about at my wit’s end playing nice.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this role-playing of the perfect, understanding girlf."

its wrong for me to seek comfort in another guy's presence while you werent there for me.

but what made you so sure that i wont leave, not for another guy, but for the idea that this sad pathetic version of myself pining after you is not what i want in a relationship.

2011-03-15T11:22:00.000-07:00

thinking of you.

thinking of all the fun we could have while shopping together.

thinking of all the places i could take you, or we could explore together.

thinking of us.

2011-01-17T06:10:00.000-08:00

what the hell am i doing?
what the hell am i supposed to do?

fuck all this. im a bitch seriously.

2010-11-24T08:18:00.001-08:00

bad day seriously.

first i paid up for the spree without putting down my initials, so like, i donated the $20 for nothing.
then now i left the freaking wrong email while buying stuff online.

winner. seriously.

2010-11-21T23:15:00.000-08:00

you're screwing up your life here charlene.

i swear imma gonna be studious girl number 1 if i can get CAP3.5 at least from this sem. major panic attack now.

and yet looking forward to all the things i can do once exams are done. (:

2010-11-18T00:36:00.000-08:00

the truth is, i miss you.

i really, really do.

all that sitting around eating, talking, laughing.

the bus rides home together.

the emo-ing the panicking the good the bad the joy the tears.

and now it's all gone. its like you moved on without us.

you seem so perfectly happy with your new life, your new friends.

then where do we fit in?

ikr, i can just pick up the phone, call you, message you, anything.

just get back in contact.

but the truth is, its already awkward just thinking about it.

i think we've changed so much that things just couldnt go back to the way they were before.

all the innocent laughter innocent worries innocent friendship.

its gone now isnt it.

and yes, im angry at you.

2010-10-03T11:08:00.001-07:00

i dont like this.
i dont like where this is heading.
i feel like im losing you.
i feel like im losing 'us'.

can things ever be the same as before again?

you dont like me to whine. cos you dont like pacifying me.
you dont like me to cry. cos comforting me takes time
you dont like me to feel sad or unhappy or emotional. but i cant control how i feel.
especially when those emotions evolve around you.

your school, your hall, your pageant, your commitments. they own so much of you.
they get so much of your time, your attention.
i can't see where we're heading. i'm feeling so lost now.
i miss those times when i have you to myself.

2010-07-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

haven blogged in ages. and i wouldnt even be here if i'm not trying desperately to NOT fall asleep. ahma's gone for hols, and i'm left alone at home and i'm scared of the dark. honestly dont know how i'm going to survive in kr with the single rooms and lousy bathing facilities.

totally totally dreading the start of school year, and seriously, i think im becoming more and more anti-social. other people are getting so involved in hall life alr, with rags, and camps, and everything under the sun. they like, make friends and stick damn quickly one dont know why. am totally scared of being so out-of-place girl in hall and uni but well, new school new start right. even though i know nuts about uni. all the bidding and talks and induction courses is getting to me. dont want to go dont want to go but honestly, do i have a choice?

2010-05-31T08:39:00.000-07:00

yeah yeah im a mean person everybody's angry with me and im still bitchy. kay bye.

2010-05-17T21:11:00.001-07:00

i drew a total of $110 in the past five days you know. how is that even possible. omg laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, can the money in my bank just grow and multiply by itself.

2010-05-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

heart clarke quay 15/5 (:

2010-05-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

i'm a weak tart i tell you.

i swore to myself that i'll never fall for anything you say anymore, i'm going to guard myself so well that i'm going to feel nothing but nonchalence towards you.

but one simple email with two lines was all it took to crumble all that defences and make me feel touched all over again.

walaoooooooooooooooooooo why i like that one.

2010-05-05T20:43:00.000-07:00

(edit)

okay weird post ahead I dont even know what I was ranting on about.

(/edited)

Realised there hasn't been a long post since forever ago. Maybe cos some of my thoughts are so bad/private/mean/weird that i dont want to voice it out, because I dont want certain people to read it.

I feel like abandoning my blog.

I think I'm having one of my mood swings again.

I think I need to spend some alone time with myself, thinking through what I really want in life. On some days like this, I feel so lost, so without directions, so unsure of what I want. On some days, I find myself thinking, this is it this is what I'm looking for, I feel so happy and bliss. But on others, I just feel like breaking down, for no apparent reasons, or for the same reasons over and over again. I feel like I have no dictation over my emotions, they're controlled by you. I dont like feeling so vulnerable, esp when I'm just expected to be nice&understanding&mature&reasonable&angelic all the time, because thats not me. I just want to be a little girl sometimes, swallowed up by my insecurities, tantrums, entitled to being unfair and unreasonable.

I want to find peace within myself, but how do I do it.

Whats your love language? Mine is quality time, and security (though its not within the 5).
Do you know that behind all the smiles is actually a really insecure person.

i just want constant reassurance from you.
is it a lot to ask for?

Saw this on tumblr:

Somewhere there is another girl prettier than you, smarter than you, taller than you, skinnier than you. Another girl somewhere is more outgoing, more laid back, more interesting, more athletic. Another girl somewhere is not you. You may not be perfect, but someone someday will think you are. He will love you for each and every imperfection and flaw. He will wait all day just to see you and stay all night just to hold you. To him, you will be more than perfect, you’ll be the love of his life.

and this is what I want you know. I want somebody who can look at me, see past all this imperfections, smile to himself and say with certainty, "this is my girl, she's the one i want".

2010-04-26T19:39:00.001-07:00

周杰倫《超人不會飛》

媽媽說很多事別太計較
只是使命感找到了我我睡不著
如果說罵人要有點技巧
我會加點旋律你會覺得超屌

我的槍不會裝彈藥
所以放心不會有人倒
我拍青蜂俠不需要替身
因為自信是我繪畫的顏料

我做很多事背後的意義遠離你們想象

拍個電視純為了友情影響了現在的夢想
收視率再高也難抗衡我的偉大理想
因為我的人生無需再多一筆那獎項
我不知道何時變成了所謂的那榜樣
被狗仔拍的那偽裝著要道歉模樣
怎樣

我唱的歌詞要有點文化因為隨時會被當教材
CNN 能不能等英文好一點再放時代雜誌封面能不能重拍
隨時隨地註意形象
要控制飲食不然就跟杜莎夫人蠟像的我不像
好萊塢的中國心願地上有很多手印腳印何時才能看見我的獎

哦如果超人會飛那就讓我在空中停一停歇
再次俯瞰這個世界會讓我覺得好一些
喔嗚喔
拯救地球好累雖然有些疲憊的我還是會
不要問我哭過了沒
因為超人不能流眼淚

唱歌要拿最佳男歌手
拍電影也不能只能得最佳新人
你不參加頒獎典禮就是沒禮貌
你去參加就是代表你很在乎
得獎時你感動落淚
人家就會覺得你誇張做作
你沒表情別人就會說太囂張
如果你天生這表情
那些人甚至會怪你媽媽
結果最後是別人在得獎
你也要給予充分的掌聲與微笑
開的車不能太好
住的樓不能太高
我到底是一個創作歌手還是好人好事代表

專輯一出就必須是冠軍
拍了電影就必須要大賣
只能說當超人真的好難

2010-04-13T20:54:00.000-07:00

BLACK MARKET ALERT!
walao robbery in day ):

Ebay selling JAY CHOU TIX at $800

2010-04-13T20:40:00.001-07:00

great job. the last time, tix were sold out in 4 hours. and now. its reduced to just 2.

want to see him also so hard. ):

2010-04-13T20:25:00.000-07:00

GREAT JOB SINGAPORE.

24 July 2010 (Sat) 8:00 PM	PRICE CATEGORIES (In Singapore Dollars)
24 July 2010 (Sat) 8:00 PM	CAT 1	CAT 2	CAT 3	CAT 4	CAT 5
10% OCBC Titanium Credit Cardmembers	-	S$178.20	S$151.20	S$124.20	-
Priority OCBC Credit/Debit Cardmembers	S$228.00	S$198.00	S$168.00	S$138.00	S$98.00

hey friend

2010-04-02T05:18:00.000-07:00

hey friend,

i miss you. i think i told you that, and you told me the same thing back.
but how much of it do you mean.

i miss the times when we confide in each other.
i miss the times when we talk about silly nothings.
i miss the times when we just go crazy over stuff that are not funny but we just find them to be so.
i miss messaging you whenever i think of you.
i even miss the studying that we did together.

do you miss these things.

or are you just telling me i miss you for the sake of it?

2010-03-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

I quote:

"How lucky am i to snag a guy like you? I'm average, i'm lazy, i'm ugly, i'm wild, i lie. We get jealous, we shout, we fight, we hug, kiss and make up. Yet after all that war making all it takes is just a day to turn it all back around, and when daylight breaks i find you in my bed again, i find your fingers in my hair, your taste in my mouth.

I love you, always have. Sometimes I can be such a unorganized bitchy person that you just enjoy yelling at it. Sometimes i like to switch roles and try to be the one in control. Sometimes i try to be cute and cuddly the way you like it. But underneath all that layers and behind all that walls that you've successfully managed to break, i'm still a girl trying to find my way. In life and into love. I might be a failure in everything, but at least i know i have you to lean on, to pull me up when i hit the ground. You've grown past my 'pleasant surprise' and have become one of my 'daily necessities'. I wish we could stay young forever."

______________________________________________________________

"Hello stranger.

How does it feel like to look at me, but not see me? How does it feel like to tell me you care, but not actually giving a damn? How does it feel like to look at my big plastered smile, without knowing how much I'm hurting inside? How does it feel like to tell me, "I love you", without meaning it?

Oh I forgot, you stopped saying it since long ago.

"You were worth the fight, but I couldn't fight forever".

I'm tired. I'm still holding on, but my grip is slipping. Do you know that?

Do you care?"

2010-03-24T20:05:00.001-07:00

anybody wanna meet me for tom yum now?
i refuse to cook lunch myself leh.

2010-03-21T08:05:00.001-07:00

i dont get why everybody else doesnt want school to start.

because i really do.

im bored with my routine lifestyle. im bored with giving tuition, teaching at MPM. i think the only thing i'll miss is the waking up late. honestly.

2010-03-18T21:28:00.000-07:00

Busy says:
ridiculous leh

yeah. thats me. ridiculous is my middle name.

):

2010-03-15T20:12:00.000-07:00

i'm trying hard to ignore the facts, even though its staring right back at me in my face. it's an act of cowardice to just shut my eyes and not think about the inevitable, but sooner or later, i'll have to face it, right?

2010-03-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

i suddenly feel that singapore very nice leh. how ah.

2010-03-14T07:09:00.001-07:00

SAMSON says:
can i have your number or not?
chenying says:
i dont anyhow give out my number:
SAMSON says:
wa. now want to act big alr la.
forget it.
bye.

five minutes later.

SAMSON says:
so i cant have is it?
chenying says:
i thought you say forget it and bye alr?
SAMSON says:
yea
i know
but i ask again
better then just giving up like that

loser yet?

another five mins later.

SAMSON says:
hey hey come on
i have to go already
ltr late
got confinement
can have ur number?
plz plz?
plz
let me have ur number
plz?

2010-03-06T22:35:00.000-08:00

A level results was really a shocker. like, good kind of shock la (except GP, I'm really disappointed with GP ): )

I went into the school hall in a really really bad mood, expecting really really lousy results and proving my aunt correct. But seems like i had too little confidence in my self? (: or maybe im just plain lucky.

neways, now I can be assured that i can get into NUS (i hope),
GEOG AND ECONS HERE I COME! (:

2010-02-23T19:53:00.000-08:00

i dont know if you're reading this. but i just assume you are, since you claim to be so tech-savvy and you know exactly whats going on everywhere.

i never told you this before because we're not exactly on speaking terms, and everytime we speak, its just polite chatter. you know i just stopped hating you a few years ago, admit it or not, i think you caused me childhood trauma. my memories of you since young were filled with immense fear and unhappiness. all those times you forced me to study ahead at a level that i completely dont understand, doing primary 3 assessment books when i was only in p1 and barely understood english. all those times you scolded me for talking back/not doing my work/not sleeping when i was supposed to. pulling me up from bed at 11pm, throwing hard-covered books at me, pulling my hair in a fit of anger, saying that im a bad person in general and i'm no good for life. i forgive you for all those things you've done, whether or not you think you're in the wrong. but it's something i dont think i'll ever ever forget.

i came to terms with everything. i got over it, prolly cos you're no longer living with me. now, i no longer fear you. but the feeling of dislike towards you will just continue for years to come.

sometimes i just feel that you're so fake you now. you pretend to be nice to me once in a while, pretend that you're a friend, you're somebody that i can go to for advice and all. but its just an act isnt it.

i heard your conversation this morning. maybe not the whole thing, but i've heard enough. i dont appreciate all those things you said about me. i'm no longer a small child that you can just order around and control.

i'm 20 and im legal. why cant i go out with friends, why is it wrong for me to take photos with them and upload them to facebook, if i have something to hide will i still be uploading them to facebook. if im uploading pictures there, they're for YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE to see. whats wrong with wearing tank tops, honestly. its not as if you dont wear them yourself. whats wrong with being still in bed at 9am, its not like im just stoning my holiday away and not working, its not as if i had late nights out playing and only got into bed at 3/4am. i dont get why you're acting like that when you yourself seemed to have gone through being a lot worse than me when you're my age.

why is it that sharon goes out with her friends, she goes clubbing, she wears makeup too, and yet, im to worse among my generation.

why is it that you can just comment serves me right for not studying when you dont see how much effort i have put into my studies for a levels. you dont see the late nights, the notes, the panic, and yet you can just brush aside all the effort spent and dismiss my attempts.

why is it that i get the feeling that you'll be secretly glad if i dont do well for a levels. you, and wen yi, and godknowswhoelse, i know you're just waiting to see me make a fool of myself, see me break down when i get bad results, cos then, you'll be able to say, "see, i told you so. i told you she's not working hard and serves her right for all this".

but other than that immediate satisfaction of knowing you're right, what else do you gain? why are you building your happiness on others misery. does gossip really brighten your life so much?

i said that retaking A levels is my last alternative if i really dont do well, it doesnt mean that I KNOW I WILL RETAKE A LEVELS. it just means that im prepared for extremes, like how when wesley couldnt make it to raffles, he have to have somewhere else to go right. its not like, he planned to go to raffles and he knows he'll get in and he just stops there without considering other choices. because he really didnt manage to get in did he. you said 258/261 was low for PSLE score, look where wesley and justin is now, and tell me that again.

for a moment there, when i was lying on my bed listening in to your conversation because i didnt want to wake up and face you, i feel the hate creeping back in.

sometimes, i feel like saying fuck you to your face.

2010-02-21T23:11:00.000-08:00

my tutee so cute you jealous or not. (:

2010-02-21T17:47:00.001-08:00

WALAO WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY PPSTREAM I CANT WATCH ANYTHING FROM IT CAN SOME SMART PEOPLE HELP ME SOLVE MY PROBLEM PLEASE.

2010-02-16T21:12:00.001-08:00

walao. its either make up doesnt agree with my face or i never clean it off properly. i having pimples AGAIN leh. fml.

2010-02-15T22:03:00.000-08:00

its you people that makes me dread cny a little less (:

On the otherhand,

GCE A Level
	The date of release of the 2009 GCE A-Level Examination results has tentatively been scheduled to fall within the period between 5 March and 9 March 2010.

does this makes you break out in cold sweat?

2010-02-09T17:39:00.000-08:00

i read today: four things you cannot recover.

the stone after the throw.

the words after it's said.

the occasion after the loss.

the time after it's gone.

i miss you.

2010-02-07T20:07:00.000-08:00

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

thats how i feel right now y'know.

2010-01-30T20:21:00.000-08:00

whats the world coming to you tell me.

last time when ppl add girls on msn, they say "hi can we be friends, i got your email from friendster/facebook"
now they say, "hi, im that guy from zouk rmb, you gave me your email"

the thing is, i havent been to zouk. -.-

2010-01-29T22:27:00.000-08:00

walao. my cough is killing me.

2010-01-26T23:49:00.000-08:00

okay. i got back my usual once-a-year cough its really irritating. and i totally sound like a guy now cos my voice is damn husky and sexy.
my mom blames herself for my sickness cos she thinks the blow was too big for me and my body cannot take it.
i dont know if thats true but i keep reassuring her its not.
and i think we've both come to terms with it but my dad is being plain weird so i dont exactly know whats happening anymore also.

and jaime's seagate dont like me. i keep trying to open to kope the photos but cannot. and she say if she help me burn into cd her computer will burn also. i feel like burning my computer cos its zuo dui-ing with me.

oh and i passed my math test it was a surprise but i got 4/20 wrong and i dont know why they're wrong. but at least it shows i still have part of my brain.
so im starting work on sat.

2010-01-25T04:06:00.000-08:00

thanks.
you just singlehandedly crushed my whole world flat y'know.
did you ever think about mebefore you even did or said anything.
dont you even care anymore?

its just so much easier to hate you.
but i just cant.

seems like after twenty years, you're still a stranger to me.

2010-01-20T06:44:00.000-08:00

i miss knights leh.
i want another bbq! (:

2010-01-20T06:13:00.000-08:00

can somebody buy me my pull and bear top please.

i really want leh. but i dont even have money to eat grass how to buy.

2010-01-20T05:35:00.000-08:00

chalet-ed. saw so many people. so many changes.
sometimes we really dont want to grow up i guess. but we just have to.

2010-01-14T05:51:00.000-08:00

i think i'm slowly learning to be practical.

is that good or bad?

2010-01-12T07:09:00.001-08:00

walao i lousy pok leh. i got zero willpower please.

2010-01-10T05:07:00.000-08:00

MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD MY BLOG'S NOT DEAD

its just hibernating.

please believe me.

2009-11-29T01:10:00.001-08:00

i very angry. my new phone makes me feel dumb. i dont know how to use media go. then how i transfer stuff.

2009-11-11T03:29:00.001-08:00

walao i never finish my AQ leh. and math was @*@^!$@&#)(@*#&*%7 HARD.
means i'll die or not.

2009-11-02T03:07:00.001-08:00

omg this is damn nice i swear. the lyrics breaks my heart eh.

2009-11-01T01:04:00.001-07:00

walao my studying skills suck leh got law of diminishing returns one.
i feel so unproductive today and you'll know since im online -.-

2009-10-24T21:33:00.000-07:00

charlene is out of town says:
two weeks more!
woohoo
Let's run to the moon says:
wooboo

hahaha! A LEVELS IS HERE A LEVELS IS HERE! omg im like so scared for it but so excited that its ending in a month. i must be crazy.

anyway should i do urban or global urban or global urban or global.
i want to do global leh. but jaime the pok (but i still love you laaaa) says mj says its like damn hard to score cos its so broad but i still love GLOBAL!
but my urban DRQ got 9 and my global DRQ only got 6 leh.

okay i dont care alr im doing global they better give me full marks for my essay.

2009-10-22T19:54:00.000-07:00

Is it possible to be in love and not get hurt.

2009-10-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

It's times like this that makes me hate guys.

2009-10-19T04:59:00.001-07:00

omg my computer's finally back to normal.
i really thought it died.

&i just realised im an ipod noob

2009-10-10T21:17:00.000-07:00

have i mentioned i hate math?

i hate math i hate math i hate math i hate math.

omg im never going to have anything to do with math after a levels except simple addition/subtraction/multiplication/division and ONLY with calculators available.

QI SI WO LE LA!

im forever stuck at the low 40s range for math TELL ME WHY!

2009-09-11T04:20:00.000-07:00

okay you know what. my right eye recovered from the eye infection like one week ago. and now my left eye kena-ed. it feels so bloody sore and painful please. walao i damn suey la.

and i finally 'finished' hydro. it means i read through everything BUT i dont know how much of it i actually remember. im damn damn damn sian-ed out by studying alr lor. its never ending the stack of notes is like crazily high.

i want to go out and have fun leh.

i want to go overseas with my friends. ):

2009-09-09T04:39:00.000-07:00

stressed stressed stressed stressed stressed.

i think im irritating jaime cos im messaging her everyday asking her (pretty dumb) questions that i dont know but i know she knows. lol. but yes jaime you're my walking encyclopedia and i love you.

and i really need a time extension geog is like four days away and i bloody haven started! and econs is another killer just like math, the only thing thats kinda on track now is lit and its not perfect either cos it seems theres still so much i dont know esp after today's lesson. and yes i know i shouldnt be online now but omg the studying is killing me. i look at the notes and my first response is that i felt turned off how disturbing is that.

can some really smart person lend me their brains?

2009-09-02T06:06:00.000-07:00

bad day. i lost my ez link card cos i forgot to keep it after exams.

2009-08-31T04:34:00.000-07:00

you say "continue to get angry ba. its all my fault"

but it totally doesnt sound like you think you're in the wrong does it. why are you saying things that you dont mean, when i've told you time and again that i dont like it.

am i really such an unreasonable girlf? i cant even voice out my unhappiness without you going all defensive on me? making up for like five minutes before things start going all wrong again?everytime we quarrel its becos i dont understand your rationale, i dont understand you, i cant think from your point of view. so do you want me to be like you and say "its all my fault"?

im sorry. i cant.

why does it seem like we're just hurting and hurting each other?

2009-08-29T06:43:00.000-07:00

omg im so fucking hating this.

I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SELF VS SOCIETY LA!!!!!!

everytime i think its self in society, i question myself why isnt it self against society or self of society. and then my stand will waver and then i'll delete all that i've written and it just repeats and repeats and repeats and im so goddamn frustrated.

and theres still never-ending math and econs and geog.

omgggggggggggggggggggg.

2009-08-24T04:56:00.001-07:00

i love jaime and jaime loves me ((((((:

thanks for that little something. it totally brightened my day up.

2009-08-22T05:01:00.000-07:00

i guess the stress's getting to everybody. everybody's so easily irriated nowadays, a little things can get people to snap and growl and bite and change face faster then i can say 'a levels'. it makes me kinda sad to see everybody like this actually.

"A levels is the worst hurdle in your life, compared to it O lvels is nothing, and even uni exams are much easier"

i guess i kinda agree with it now. the stress is getting to me too. making me feel like crying for no reason. making me feel like throwing silly tantrums. making me stubborn and wilful and all.

and im having this terrible eye infection now, i cant stop tearing. one drop rolls down approx every 5 seconds, i think my ahma thinks im crazy or something.

and the worst worst thing is, i stained so freaking much today. totally throw my face. luckily i was wearing denim shorts instead of the white shorts.

may the power be with me.

i need to work towards my six As.

2009-08-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

can people just stop blaming me for things that i did/didnt do/said/didnt said. its really frustrating amidst all the exam stress that i'm feeling now. every single day i just feel like pulling my hair out cos i just cant understand what im doing and theres still a million and one things waiting for me to do. and yet at the same time i have to be apologetic to everybody else cos i just make them unhappy and they'll complain about me or scold me.

im stressed enough already. cant everything just wait till after a levels before happening.

it makes me feel like crying.

2009-08-12T06:06:00.000-07:00

its so weird to hear your cousin say fuck.

2009-08-08T18:56:00.000-07:00

okay my weekend plans are pretty screwed. i overestimated my studying abilities too much. and now i barely managed to complete one tenth of what i planned. but why does complex numbers have to be so hard anyway! i thought i finally got it when i finished the tutorial, then i had to get stuck at the assignment again. and i only managed to finish the tutorial cos i burnt up yama and yuenchi's whole afternoon cos they were spending most of their studying time teaching me. its so damn frustrating demoralizing and all.

sometimes i just wish im smarter.

friday was national day celebration. and we celebrated nette's birthday and went over to visit ms fisher's two-week old baby. he's so freaking adorable! i want one of my own but i dont think i'll just end up shouting at him if he cries non stop.

the pictures are so cool dont you think. we look like some advertisement for friends if you scroll betw them really quickly. ^^

we look like a happy family. (:

and ms fisher stays at some place full of expats (according to eugene), and omg they even have their own tazi stand please. so you can imagine how long we took to walk in.

2009-08-01T04:02:00.000-07:00

last week this time, our conversatin were filled with laughter, happiness, and love.
this week this time, there isnt even a conversation anymore.

how did things turned out this way.

2009-07-31T06:50:00.000-07:00

sucks to be sick.

i cant even figured out what exactly made me sick in the first place. its like one moment i was okay, the next im thinking feels like im going to be sick soon, and then i really fell sick.

from sleeping non-stop except for meal breaks, to not being able to stand without feeling lazy, to not being able to read or do anything cos my eyes just cant focus, to vomitting three times in a row, and thats not it.

the ultimatum was vomiting on my hair.

think about how gross it actually is, but the vomit came out too fast too furious and i had no time to gather up all my hair first la. yuck.

and now im coughing excessively. i thought i GOT OVER IT alr! shucks. hate this hate this hate this.

and i dont want to procrastinate cos prelims' in five weeks. but how to study like that. ):

and aunt and cousin's coming to stay with us tmr for two weeks. my minuscule house's going to be even smaller i dont want. ):

well, on a lighter note, at least i got a D for econs.

2009-07-24T07:24:00.000-07:00

school ended early today, techically. but somehow it felt like there wasnt any difference cos we only got to skip lit, and usually i dont listen in friday lit class anyway. wanted to go ION to look at their nice toilets, cos jaime said she took polaroids with the toilets cos they looked so cool, and i saw the nice escalators and all and i wanted to go check it out even though i probably wont be able to afford the stuff inside, aside from the food.

but in the end what did we do? watched some lousy traumatising show thats bound to give me nightmares tonight. even janard said so. -.- but i shouldnt make val feel guilty anymore aye? lol.

oh anyway we caught murderer, the show is sick cos everyone looked like some psycho, val practically suspected everyone, even the guy who was lying on his deathbed in hospital with more than 20 holes on his back. lol. and aaron kwok just really looked mental towards the end, and the kid/adult was seriously creepy. honestly honestly honestly! i think he's going to have some mental breakdown just acting in that role la. it makes me think twice about giving birth honestly, and to die that painfully (getting baked in the oven, or drilled and left to bleed to death for that matter, or getting drilled and then having nails through your eyeballs and then getting run over by a truck) must have hurt hell lots. omg its traumatising just to think about it. i swear only chick flicks from now on for me.

on the way home, i suddenly had this urge to go jogging. jaw-dropping please, cos i totally didnt know where that came from. i thought i hated running (or jogging). but even if i did go, i think i would have given up after the first 200m or so.

and tmr's college day. freaking stupid to report back to school at 7.40 on a saturday to watch some people take prizes is just dumb, even if they made it up with full day on monday. but i bet i'll waste sat away too, just like how i did ytd and today.

and.

i wish people would just stop complaining that they got a B (or C or D or E) for math instead of an A. i mean, get over it wouldya, there are people out there (like me) who scored far worse than you. its not as if getting a B for CT2 is the end of the world right.

i get annoyed by insensitive people.

2009-07-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

went for tomyum session with lynette ade and janard. seriously, i think only zhs-rians and lynette is crazy over that tom yum cos everybody else just goes 'nice meh' and gives me sceptical look.

then accompanied ade and nette to cut hair and then we ended up at eng wah watching harry potter cos tix at cathay amk were sold out. the cinema is just...nothing to say omg i'll not even try to go there if i can help it la but the movie tix is freaking cheap its even cheaper than cathay. but i guess its justifiable given the crammed seats and all.

and harry potter sucks. omg i dont know if it's just me but i seem to dislike every movie. i mean, when you compare it with the book the movie just seems so crap! even the jokes were not funny! and i managed to laugh and cry through every book no matter how many times i read it and then when im watching the movie my mood totally never changed except for that once where they had the 'boo' and i got spooked. and they keep trying to change the story line and it just sucked cos it doesnt make sense. like, why would snape tell potter to 'shh' and then go up and kill dumbledore. and dumbledore haven even drank the water he's supposed to be unconscious or something how did he freaking conjured up such a big fire!

okay conclusion, just go read the book. although i know its like a must-watch. the feeling is so ironic please. like, i knew the movie would be bad but i still had to watch it cos like i read it and i watched all the previous movies and all. but i swear, they should just get j k rowling to direct the movie or something.

i can foresee how bad part 7 will be esp since they're going to split the movie up into part 1 and 2.

supper session at chomp champ again tmr. wa i dont want to keep going back to chomp chomp alr! but i like the wings lol.

and hopefully i get to watch my fireworks.

2009-07-15T05:13:00.001-07:00

terrible moodswing for the past few days.

2009 is getting to me. i cant wait for year-end.

2009-07-10T20:37:00.000-07:00

CTs are finally finally over.

but A's are coming in four months.

so should i be happy or not.

2009-07-03T19:43:00.000-07:00

I FOUND THE PHONE THAT I WANT. like, totally. okay tell me it looks like just any other sony ericsson, but still, i think its damn nice. anyway the red one is even nicer. cool or what.

but its totally totally way out of my budget. i can never afford it even with GSS + x'mas sale combined. ):

anyway, revision has been okay, i've been stuffing my face into geog for two days straight, and ytd i finally started on my econs, though i just cant seem to finish it like wth right.

tell me whats up with BOP and ER, i just cant seem to understand it.

i think im going to flunk my econs yet again.

2009-06-26T22:15:00.000-07:00

you're the world's most irritating and annoying person, forever testing my patience.
but you never fail to make me smile too.

happy birthday. (:

2009-06-24T04:21:00.000-07:00

last last pill of antibiotics left and my throat doesnt feel like its recovered yet. i dont know if i should go see doctor again but hello im a poor student i spent like 50$ in two weeks just seeing doctor im going to die of hunger when school reopens. BUT MY THROAT HURTS LIKE FUCK and it only feels slightly better now cos of the medicine i think. please please let this last pill work wonders.

so exams are shifted back by one week and its kind of good cos it gives me time to finish my revision but its kinda bad cos i think im going to forget all that i revised soon. they should just drag it over two weeks so that like, i can study for the next paper after one paper's completed la. its no fun squeezing math and econs (and i haven even started on geog and lit) into your brain when its so small y'know.

went to watch transformers with b ytd and i cant upload the photos cos its in the camera but i dont have the cable. but i think the photos not nice leh and we didnt have time to take much photos anyway. but b said i was pretty ytd im super happy (: and transformers is crazy we booked on sunday for ytd's slot and so many places are SOLD OUT till the weekends. then we had to settle for pasir ris even though its so inconvenient (for me. heh) and all. but its all worth it cos...

TRANSFORMERS IS THE BOMB.

you have have have got to catch it i swear. i can stil remember watching the first one with germaine and her telling me that it'll be stupid but we only watched cos i got like free tix but it turned out to be super good. and plus this movie tells guys not to cheat, ever. lol.

its really really good. and i feel really really happy after yesterday.

and germainefoohuifang, please understand that i really really want to meet you but i have my exams soon and i got to study real real hard now i dont want to be bottom of the class again, but i still love you to the max baby. (:

2009-06-22T01:23:00.000-07:00

i kana-ed reinfection again. -.- so now its porridege and porridge, fever and fever, headache and headache again. hopefully the antibiotics works this time round and i wont get it for like, a third time or something.

okay you know im like totally toally troubled now. for once i have like zilch idea about what activities to plan. like shit can, i dont want to screw tmr up.

are they really going to extend the school holidays just because we voted for it?

2009-06-20T19:53:00.001-07:00

why are you sad.

2009-06-12T18:57:00.001-07:00

is it over, i honestly dont know.
but you were the one who said that you are 'giving up', so i guess i got my answer.

you know i used to complain about how i'm becoming fatter, but i'll rather stay at being 46/47 than losing weight like crazy now and suffering so much in the process.
my stomach feels so weird, probably cos i havent been putting food in since the last 20 hours, and before that all that went in was non-solid food.

but tell me what i can do.

2009-06-12T06:08:00.001-07:00

omg im fucking hungry now.
i didnt eat dinner cos my ahma only cooked rice.

i want my porridge. ):

2009-06-12T04:21:00.001-07:00

i dont understand how you know, i just dont get sick for a long time, and then wham, when i do, its a damn big one.

im down with throat infection, freaking freaking painful, i cant swallow anything, including my own saliva. -.- its like my body is being racist to my saliva la. i cant eat anything but porridge but my ahma scolded me for being so troublesome and now shes not cooking for me. and shes just full of accusations i feel like slapping her honestly, although i know im not allowed to do that. but i mean, isnt there a rule or something to say that you know, you dont agitate sick people. and i have like, high fever, and bad headache. and everything just sucks cos it makes me freaking depressed. and it makes me cry real badly. cos you know, i hate to go see doctor alone, and i just miss my parents so much cos yeah, when you're sick they're the only ones who really care.

but i guess being sick lets you know who really cares, and who doesnt,

&who is just pretending to be.

i dont know what am i going to do about my ct2, just shoot me now.

2009-06-08T07:10:00.000-07:00

its twenty more days to exams. twenty days for four subjects. tell me again why am i doing this, and how possibly can i do it.

all the studying is driving me mad mad mad like seriously, i cant concentrate but im still forcing myself. and i hate to force myself.

you sound upset. &i have no idea why.

2009-06-06T03:04:00.000-07:00

farm visit was crazy tiring today. running after the kids cos THEY keep running around, asking them to come back and gather, breaking up fights and all. and to think that its just nine kids you know. i seriously cant imagine how lynette is going to cope with thirteen.

but at least they're cute. (the irritating ones didnt go xD)

thats yuan kai, he just walked up to the uncle suddenly while the uncle was telling us about quails, made me laughed like mad.

THIS IS MY NEW EYE CANDY!
I LOVE YOU KAI YUAN!
omg he's the cutest ever. at first he's like, totally dont want to talk to me ignoring me, but by the end of the trip he was like coming over to hold my hand whenever we travel from one place to another! so freaking cute! and i even hugged him!

walao i cant see him again le leh. ):

2009-06-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

jayss - the left sided me - 我不配 says:
better study hard.
jayss - the left sided me - 我不配 says:
=)
imyourhappypill. says:
haha
imyourhappypill. says:
trying hard
imyourhappypill. says:
but its really hard
jayss - the left sided me - 我不配 says:
haha i know
jayss - the left sided me - 我不配 says:
nobodyy says it's gonna be easy either.

why cant it be easy. why must it be so hard. does life really have no easy route.

i feel very drained mentally suddenly.

2009-06-01T04:24:00.001-07:00

my world's topsy-turvy

i've forgotten what it's like to be alone.
well, too bad for me.

2009-05-23T21:13:00.000-07:00

first it was consecutively two days late. and now its been two days early for this month and last month. -.-

and im not even mentioning the intensity of the pain.

this is crap.

2009-05-21T07:37:00.000-07:00

you know how sometimes something just catches you so off guard you have like, zero idea how it happened. and you just think and think and think about it but come up with no answer. no finger-pointing included.

im not perfect. im not some machine where you just key in the configurations to the characteristics that you want and i'll do things the exact way you like it. you know theres this negative side of me and whenever we talk about it when things are calm, you have no problem agreeing to overlook such a trait and be more magnanimous and stuff.

i mean, there cant be exactly one person thats entirely at fault right, how can you clap with just one hand.

but what i dont get it, why do you patronise me and agree to what i say with no intention of fulfilling it. isnt it like an empty promise.

are promises really meant to be broken.

2009-05-16T19:35:00.000-07:00

John von Neumann once said, “Young man, in mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them.”

this is exactly how i feel now please. i did so much lines and planes and poisson and binomial but i still understand no shit.

WALAO.

2009-05-12T04:49:00.000-07:00

you know, sometimes i wonder, why are we so unhappy
what's causing us all this negative feelings nowadays
&what will just make it go away.

2009-05-09T08:15:00.000-07:00

i want to stay like this, happy and jolly, forever.

2009-05-02T18:46:00.000-07:00

my school just sent me this email saying "In the light of the global H1N1 flu outbreak, the alert level in Singapore has been raised to ORANGE." and yeah, like from now on there's no assembly blah blah blah. but omg, i really dont want this to become the next sars. if they close down school this year my As is just going to be flushed down the drain seriously.

went sentosa with knights ytd. and it started off real bad. like, i could feel my mood sliding towards non stop cos when we went to palawan the beach was superrrrrrrrrrrr dirty like i dont know what the hell is wrong kind of dirty, and then theres hair and seaweed and mud and you could practically feel yourself itchy when you touched the water. and then we moved to siloso and they freaking told us that THERE WAS A OIL SPILL AND WE WERENT ALLOWED INTO THE WATER. -.- then we come o sentosa for what.

but okay i dont know how but we just ended up in the water after that and the lifeguard didnt seem to care cos he's probably thinking 'i warn them alr they want to die their own business'.

but HEY everything got much better after that im a happy girl.

but im like, really really brown now. i hope i dont peal. its gonna be sriously painful with a capital P.

i guess its inevitable that people change.
you still look the same but nothing's the same anymore.

2009-04-25T21:09:00.000-07:00

oh fuck i feel like getting married something's bloody wrong with me i swear hahaha.

but if we're all going to die in 2012 and i can only get married after 26 cos thats what my mom wants then DOESNT THAT MEAN I WONT GET MARRIED AT ALL.

walaos.

2009-04-25T02:26:00.000-07:00

germaine like freaking gave me a motivational workshop today she showed me so many touching videos please.

okay im damn noob its my first time watching and everybody prolly knows about him alr but im still really motivated by what he says.

yes im going to finish strong.

2009-04-18T03:03:00.000-07:00

knighting last night was really mentally draining i dont know why. i totally crashed on my bed once i bathed and i fell asleep like what, instantly. but yeah like junyang said, its team bonding. (:

gerald's convinced his mom and his going back to join the team, and i dont know, it really made me thought back a lot about when i decided not to join the comp. i really missed the team and training, not like i dont get to see them now or what but its just different not training with them. i missed the adrenaline rush when we run routines, i missed how we teased each other about how smelly and sticky it is and complain about how tired and shagged out we are, i missed the closeness you feel only after you've laughed and cried and cursed and suffered together.

i really miss it all.

but i guess you cant have your cake and eat it huh.
at least im on much better terms with my mom now and i LIKE to think that my studies are slowly improving.

i just really dont feel like taking Alevels yet.

2009-04-12T05:58:00.000-07:00

threesome lunch with the girls today and its been damn long since we actually sat down together and talked. its always like me meeting germainefoo and me meeting germainelee or germainelee meeting germainefoo but never the three of us together at the same time alr. so its a damn rare chance okay.

then off to amk library which was uper duper packed to study with terence. okay, its actually me studying and him teaching me. but at least i completed 6 questions of binomail distribution in 150 mins. lol. okay that didnt sound very productive but it is compared to my normal speed of doing math.

thanks so much. (:

2009-04-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

my phone is spoilt again for the 192372486186 times. and now i have to type damn slowly like an idiot cos my space key just refuses to respond. -.-
and i dont have spare phone tell me how am i going to repair it.

2009-04-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

from wikipedia:

Cheerleading is a sport that uses organized routines that range from 1 minute to 3 minutes made from elements of tumbling, dance, jumps, cheers, and stunting to direct spectators of events to cheer on sports teams at games and matches and/or compete at cheerleading competitions.

stop thinking that cheerleaders is just about standing at the sideline during school games, shouting at the top of their lungs trying to ra-ra the crowd.

its a sport la!

2009-03-31T06:46:00.000-07:00

i just realised that i'll be seeing the HOD of arts again.
why the hell is math so so so difficult you tell me.
four questions in freaking two hours and they're just simple partial fraction and binomial ones.
omg how am i going to survive a levels.

and zc just bought a camera ytd and its like deep hot pink (if there's ever such a color haha) and yay i self declare half of it is mine. (: no more shitty VGA photos from his LG phone, and i get to change my phone at the end of this year too. (:
support sony ericsson cos it rocks.

was at toys'r'us (do you spell it like that?) during the first ten minutes of earth hour and then we realised and then we went to the roof garden to talk. and yes unpleasant stuff happened on that day but at least its over.
and rollerblading's fun and i didnt fall down at all. praise me praise me! (:

oh yeah! i show you all retarded jaime's art work.

star-shaped watermelons. she's really too free right hahaha.

and reading germaine's post on our blog just makes me miss her so much suddenly, even though the post is not about me. haha.

2009-03-29T05:00:00.000-07:00

i want everything to stay lovey dovey always.
it'll make me life so much more perfect.
(:

2009-03-26T04:39:00.000-07:00

in case you dont know my CT results sucked. i got 29 for math and 32 for econs i dont know what im going to do for A levels seriously.

okay i was quite happy until i saw something from facebook.
(-.- this sounds like exactly what germaine said on her blog)
but yeah, i was quite disturbed when i first saw it cos i sort of knew about it but i didnt know it was like until that extent and all and it just made me felt...weird.

and you know i just suddenly felt so much after last night. like how i used to be so close to some people and i hang out with them all the time i eat with them laugh with them rant to them cling on to them. and now that school's out and we've all headed in different directions its like each other doesnt exist anymore. we go for those scheduled once-every-few-months to catch up superficially but at the end of the day nobody really cared very much and nobody is bothering to catch up on what is REALLY going on in our lives and all. and i know i shouldnt be complaining cos im doing that too but its just heartbreaking when you think about it.

and yuetseng came armed with ben and jerrys last night just becos i saw him at the coffee shop and mentioned in passing that i wasnt in the best of moods. and it really really surprised me. like, it just dawned to me that besides germaine he was actually there for me the the most and for the longest time. he was the one who came down to find me after my break up with weirong and he sat there watching me cry and all and its really comforting to just have him there. and though we dont like talk very much but he goes all the way to have birthday surprises for me and all and his talks are really effective.

okay im ranting but bottom line is that im really very touched.

i shant be so negative anymore and seriously if i cant take it im just going to run away from it and not care about it. kuku and cowardly i know but i dont care anymore.

oh and yuen chi just tried telling me very lame jokes.
yc says:
confuscious say...
yc says:
men who drop their watch in the toilet
yc says:
will have a shitty time
yc says:
another one
yc says:
confuscius say...
yc says:
man who run behind cars get exhausted
yc says:
muz think wider
yc says:
see if u get this one
yc says:
confuscius say
yc says:
mushrooms are funny and are male
yc says:
becoz they are fun-guys

2009-03-21T06:44:00.000-07:00

KNIGHTS I LOVE YOU.
even with your retardedness and all. (:
in fact i think the retardedness makes me happy haha.
good job for SKMs.

i think everybody went retarded after that. must be from drowning in all those hair sprays huh.
which is more retarded?

thats all of the retarded people hahaha.

and seriously everybody is addicted to this song i dont know why.
you just feel like dancing whenever somebody plays it.

i want nobody nobody but you. (:

2009-03-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

okay i dont know why but im addicted to blogging today. this is like my, fourth post. -.-

but yes. i want to show you how childish johnson is.

imyourhappypill. says:
RUBBISH IS YOU
imyourhappypill. says:
why you keep forgetting. hai
JOHNSON - is simply excited to see what the future has in store for him! WHOOHOO! (((: says:
NONONO rubbish is YOU
imyourhappypill. says:
hahaha
imyourhappypill. says:
exactly
imyourhappypill. says:
rubbish is you
JOHNSON - is simply excited to see what the future has in store for him! WHOOHOO! (((: says:
RUBBISH IS CHENYING!
JOHNSON - is simply excited to see what the future has in store for him! WHOOHOO! (((: says:
fullstop.
imyourhappypill. says:
you like KINDERGARTEN KID
JOHNSON - is simply excited to see what the future has in store for him! WHOOHOO! (((: says:
no I'm not a peadophile
JOHNSON - is simply excited to see what the future has in store for him! WHOOHOO! (((: says:
i am not interested in kindergarden kids sorry

2009-03-19T06:57:00.000-07:00

YOU KNOW IM ALWAYS THERE BITCH. (:
forever and always.

2009-03-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

okay in case you were wondering the photos are like not in order cos im lazy to arrange them. and i left out all the pictures of the stones and quarries and all cos i think they'll bore you to death. though i dont know why cos i was freaking excited when i found a crystallizing stone.

jump shots!

at the hotel (the unhaunted one duh)

look at how mean mr josef is. he freaking COVERED my face. hmphf.

look at mr josef's face.

thats the two cool(est) magicians who held the show at KLPAC.

waiting for the magic show to start

at petronas towers. secretly i think its like s'pore flyer. -.- in the limestone cave! damn cool.
at some seafood restaurant.

2009-03-19T06:14:00.000-07:00

okay im so kuku. i spent like one hour trying to figure out facebook and just when i thought i finally, sort of, i guess, i think, i've figured out what i wanted to figure out, i totally lost interest. how lame can i get right.

and anw if you were wondering where did i disappear to, i went for GEOG TRIP to kuantan and KL and finally putrajaya and it just rocks so much cos its really interesting. i guess there were some unhappiness during the trip at some point of time but hell, im just going to remember the good parts.

and YEAH WE WENT TO STAY AT A HAUNTED HOTEL. all thanks to mr najib and mr josef who claimed that its all for experience. -.- like, is that lame or what, but oh wells, we got out alive. (:

im going to slowly sort out the photos and upload some of them. cos there are really too much. we're all camwhorers. (: